WHAT TIME DOES IT START?

One thing I've noticed about Sedgley Woods is that a time warp has developed around the Disc Golf course many of us call home. How else can you explain the fact that Paul Fein is still alive even though he's at least 247 years old? He told me he spends as much time as possible at Sedgley just so he can overcome the natural aging process by staying near the warp and thereby avoid the Grim Reaper. More evidence of the warp is found in the music that emanates from the vehicles parked in the lot. I wonder if Jerry is truly Grateful for all the "air" play he gets from the Fiends now that he's joined Generalissimo Francisco Franco amongst the still Dead. Check out the serenade of razz sung by the peanut gallery during the $1 putt off on Thursday. A plethora of hits from the 80's will grate against your eardrum. Repetitive strains from such "Where are they now?" bands as Heart, The Hooters, Meat Loaf and Pilot ("Oh, Oh, OH, it's Magic") poison the atmosphere, making it nearly impossible to concentrate on the 63-foot payoff throw. Sedgley is truly a playground for a group of (mostly) guys who exhibit pathological symptoms of "Peter Pan" syndrome. The clock is ticking more slowly at Sedgley than anywhere else on Earth.

This situation has resulted in a phenomenon the locals and visitors refer to as "Sedgley Time." Depending on the type of event scheduled, the odds of the actual start time matching the published start time are practically nil. "Sedgley Time" is comprised of the difference between the scheduled start of an event and its actual start. Clean-ups and Monthly's are particularly susceptible to this dilemma. While the published time for the start of a clean up may be 10:00 a.m., it is highly unlikely that the Course Groundskeeper will have recovered from her hangover in time to get to North Philly before noon. I now make it a point to show up no earlier than 11:30 for clean ups. This is because if I arrive before the other volunteers, I am far more likely to play golf than to empty trash cans. Then, when the other "workers" arrive, they get all cheesed about me playing golf instead of working. When I attempt to defend myself by bringing up the notion that they are, in fact, late - I would get redressed with the old refrain "Oh. Well, we figured you guys meant ten o'clock SEDGLEY TIME!" Apparently, the "Sedgley Time" concept evolved from the fact that if folks aren't getting paid, punctuality is far less important than attendance. Thus, some time between 11:30 a.m. and Noon became known as "10 o'clock - Sedgeley Time."

As noted earlier, the origins of "Sedgley Time" can also be traced to the monthly tournaments Barry Noakes has faithfully run for nearly two decades. In case you didn't know, Barry has been the Course Pro since the Eighties. Back then disc golf was still virtually unheard of and growth of the sport was the preeminent goal of enthusiasts. Often, Barry would patiently wait to start tournaments just in case a straggler was on his or her way. Barry would rather include a newcomer than exclude someone by being anal about punctuality. As the guy who tended to show up between 10:00 and 10:15 for the 10 o'clock tourney (without realizing one should allow enough time for registration, stretching, warm-up, announcements, etc), I am grateful for Barry's consideration. Unfortunately, the folks who wanted things to start on time had to suffer, but they never seemed to mind having my entry fee added to the pot. This caused a progression of lateness. The registration would "close" at 10:00. The "bring-it-in" call would happen around 10:15. The announcements and other organizational loose ends (flouring the last few tees, registering the Ol' Goat, Pete and/or Phil, allowing for people caught in the traffic caused by construction/collision on I-76 to arrive, etc.) would commence. Tee assignments would be given around 10:25 and the "STAAAAAARRRRRRT" would finally be called at 10:30. Thus, 10:30 became known as "10 o'clock - Sedgley Time."

Twenty-some years ago, the course founder - Jim Powers - started the Annual New Year's Day tournament. It was a simple fete. One round at noon on New Year's Day. It was a groovy way to ring in the New Year if you didn't Mum, and it could help you walk off the hangover from the prior night's festivities. This tradition has exploded into one of the biggest parties for the Fiends (more on this in Part 3) of Sedgley every year. Even a noontime start couldn't hold back the forces of the time warp. As attendance grew, the bacchanal festivities multiplied, and the hope of actually starting on time became a lark. The posted start time was altered to read "around noon." This still had little or no impact on the warp. Eventually, with registration & "organization" of over 100 participants, awards, announcements, Bloody Mary's, tag results, hugs and speeches all factored in the tournament might actually get underway before 1:30p.m. Thus, some time between 12:45 & 1:45 p.m. became known as "around noon - Sedgley Time."

A pattern had developed. Sedgley had obtained a reputation for never starting anything on time. Any attempt to discern the actual start time of a given event held at Sedgley would result in temporary insanity. To make matters worse, one of the more popular events held at our Woods has a variable start time. Thursday Doubles was slated to begin based on the ever-changing hour of sunset. As most of us have learned by now, the days get shorter after the summer solstice. This has a dramatic effect on the start time of Thursday Doubles when August and September roll around. However, most golfers are blissfully ignorant or in denial of this fact. Sure, when the target start time gets pushed farther and farther back in the late winter and spring everyone's leisurely cruising to the course. But when the time squeeze starts to hit in the late summer and early autumn, few golfers are willing to accommodate the change in schedule when the start time needs to be pushed forward again. Eventually, Stash began posting the start time for Thursday Doubles on the bulletin board in a vain attempt to overcome the power of the warp.

Thursday Doubles has always had a hard time overcoming the warp. There is the now infamous "Marinakos" rule that applies to the start of Doubles. A few years back, a golfer who had evening classes at a nearby University attempted to assert his will over the time warp by suggesting that the festivities get underway even though it wasn't quite two hours before sunset yet. He had a desire for the golfing to end in time for him to get to class. He noticed that most of the participants were already assembled or warming up or not too far away enjoying some soup. He had not accounted for the wrath of our resident Time Lord, Paul Fein. Paul immediately rasped that, "There's no [freaking] way we're going to start before 2 hours before sunset just so YOU can get to your class. Because there could be 2 or 3 or a half dozen [monthly fakers] busting their hump in traffic coming from work trying to get here on time. And we will ALWAYS wait for those people rather than start before we're supposed to." As a result, Thursday Doubles will NEVER begin BEFORE the stipulated start. Demon Don has tried to battle against the "Marinakos" rule, because he had a family at home or something, but he didn't have the proverbial snowball's chance. To make matters more confusing, the 2 hours before sunset time is suspended during the winter months when start time for Doubles is 3:00 p.m. at the earliest. (The exception that proves this rule is Thanksgiving Day. Thursday Doubles is scheduled for 10:00 a.m. on Thanksgiving Day - um, "10 o'clock - Sedgley Time.")

So, what time does Doubles start on Thursday, anyway?

Thursday Doubles became seriously doomed to a "late" start once the Magician introduced the pre-doubles tag round. Doubles was already sucked into the time vacuum of nebulous start time definitions and soup aficionados' inability to keep time. Once an event was scheduled prior to another event, the subsequent event was bound to collapse under the weight of the geometric increase of Sedgley Time. Since there is no real possibility for tags to start at the prescribed hour, Doubles will finish in the dark more often than not. Herculean efforts were made to rescue Doubles from this fate, but to no avail. One of the chief Fiends (no, it's not a typo - see part 3 of 3) campaigned vigorously for the abolishment of the four-and-a-half hours before sunset tag start mandate. He and his co-conspirators won the day for tags to prevail and now the difficult to calculate four hours fifteen minutes before sunset start time is the law of the land. Even though the times are posted on the electronic bulletin board and the physical board adjacent to the parking lot, the golfers are usually too saturated with soup to get the clue. My attempts to exert my will over the warp by using the magic air horn only resulted in an exacerbation of The King's tinnitus and a poor squirrel being startled out of a tree for a 40 foot plummet. (Hilarious!) I did have limited success fighting off the time warp, but could not overcome its power.

Last summer, the Executive Director appointed me to T.D. a Thursday Doubles round. Having been one of the [monthly fakers] who left work a few minutes early just to get to Doubles on time, I was a tad overzealous to get underway. I had read the prescribed times on Sedgley's Internet Message Board and was given the impression that Doubles started at 5:32 p.m. My normal workday is until 5:30 and I cut out at 5:15 just to get to the course "on time." I had forgotten that the power of the warp, the effect of late August and the "Marinakos" rule would all conspire to ensure that Doubles would start at least a half-hour late. I caused a small stir in our fairyland by attempting to overthrow the warp and start doubles before tags had ended. The ensuing uproar made me realize that I was going against forces way beyond my control. A liberal-minded, tolerant individual angrily withdrew from the games after calling me a "Nazi" (in spite of my half-Jew heritage). Never mind that NO ONE LIKES TO FINISH IN THE DARK and SEARCHING FOR DISCS AT DUSK, SUCKS! I finally realized Tags had supplanted Doubles in the hearts of the golfers long ago. I was crest-fallen, but reluctantly accepted this fact.

Ironically, the very next opportunity for tags to be played resulted in the first reversal ever witnessed in the time warp. Topher had reminded people on Thursday that there was a clean up scheduled for Labor Day Saturday in preparation for the upcoming Paul Fein Challenge. Topher announced that tags wouldn't start until 3 p.m. in accordance with the "Nice Up!" schedule and encouraged folks to volunteer for duty. Fortunately, I missed this announcement. So, when I drove into the parking lot at 2:08 p.m. and saw that everyone was already on his or her assigned tees, I was ready to acquiesce to the notion that I missed the start. It was my own fault for not accounting for the fact that the Zoo traffic was bound to be increased on a gorgeous Labor Day Saturday and would keep me from being punctual even for "Sedgley Time."

I did not graciously acquiesce to this notion because I found it ridiculous that on Thursday - when there is a cut off - tags are routinely late. But on a beautiful, crowded Saturday with plenty of time on the back-end, tags were rigidly starting on time. My sour mood prevented me from wanting to join in late with the half-stroke penalty. I was afforded this opportunity because the "START" call had not been made, but I knew I would only bring down the golfers who would get stuck in my "waaambulance." Worse, I didn't have a coveted enough gold tag to be granted "Pete" privilege. Wade was also stuck on the Girard Ave off-ramp and arrived at the course a minute or two before I did. As Prue observed, "If you get here after Pete, you know you're late."

"Yeah, but if I had the #1 gold tag, you all would be sucking my [duck] to get me to play," I retorted angrily. I was still very sulky about the quick start. I was also ignorant of the spell the Magician and the Executive Director had cast over the time warp to invoke the reversal.

While I was calming down (read: feeling sorry for myself) eating lunch on the bench by 18, Krusty and the SnagMan drove into the parking lot around 2:35. They were astonished the tag round was well underway. They were present when the announcement was made on Thursday that tags was at 3 p.m. NOT 2 p.m. Suddenly the rigid start time made sense to me! When I exited my car earlier, I overheard Topher grumble that he had "done everything I'm gonna do to get this thing started." Other people on the course were whispering rumors that Magic had to be somewhere and was trying to get tags started on time as well. The Course Counsel and Executive Director conspired to start tags not only on time, BUT NEARLY AN HOUR EARLY! These two chief Fiends (really, more later) of Sedgley had actually imposed their will and personal agendas on the masses and cast a spell on our Woods that resulted in a reversal of the time warp. Thus, once (and only once) upon a time, "3 o'clock - Sedgley Time" became 2:15 p.m.

While Krusty, SnagMan & I were on our second hole of our belated tag round, D-Kon joined our group and we finished tags an hour after every one else did. Know this fellow Fiends (honest, I will explain), Topher cannot tolerate it when people show up to only play tags on a scheduled "clean up" day. He will exert all diabolical means at his disposal to ensure that if you don't put in a little sweat equity, you won't get to enjoy the Woods he loves so dearly. This includes conspiring and collaborating with lawyers (of all people) to overcome all natural and unnatural obstacles to get something started on time - or even early!

[Author's note: This article was written before Topher started hijacking the tag rounds].

By now, if you're still reading this, you want to know the answer to the question posed at the beginning of this article. So, here goes….

Thursday Doubles starts 2 hours before sunset, except in winter, Thanksgiving or New Year's.
Thursday Tags starts 4.25 hours before sunset, except in winter, Thanksgiving or New Year's.
(When sunset is before 5:15 p.m. on Thursday, Tags start at 1 p.m. and Doubles start at 3 p.m.)
Saturday Tags starts at 1 p.m. Eastern Standard Time (2 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time).
Saturday Doubles starts after all the soup heads get it together after tags.
Monthly Tourneys start at 10 a.m. (Sedgley Time)
New Year's Day tourney starts "around noon."
Thanksgiving Doubles starts at 10 a.m. (Sedgley Time)
Thanksgiving Tags starts after any remaining soup heads get it together after Doubles.
PDGA Tourneys start at 9:00 a.m. and may actually start on time!

Saturday Tags & Doubles may be precluded by clean-ups, tournaments or other special events. (Consult the Schedule in the Newsletter - for what it's worth).

All of these events are subject to the Pete Wade Rule: Pete (or other top 5 gold tag) will arrive a few minutes after the scheduled start and this will cause all manner of re-start or late start.

All of these events are also subject to the PhilRossopher Rule: If Phil has already arrived, the event will start at least 15-30 minutes late. If Phil arrives a few minutes after the scheduled start, the event will have already started and there will be no cause for a re-start or late start unless Pete shows up even later with #1 Gold. A once-in-a-lifetime early start may be appropriate.

All of these events are subject to the whim of the Magician, the Goat and Herr Direktor, etc.

None of these events starts as early as Demon Don wants them to.

Puppy Preview (9:00 a.m. player's meeting) starts at 9:30 or whenever Phil finally finishes putting flour on the tees, whichever is later.

And finally, IT STARTS WHEN THE GROUP ON HOLE #3 YELLS, "STAAARRRRTTT!"

Editor's Note: WAHHHHHH! Wuh-Wuh-Wuh-WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!